November is an especially horrible time of the year. It's cold and it rains a lot. So yesterday it was raining, but it wasn't especially cold. So I carefully put the copies of my resume in my purse, hopped on my bike and went down town. I was actually not as wet as I'd thought I would be and checked myself in a mirror at one of the shops. So I went to the first place. As I was walking there I recited to myself what I need to say in German. I told myself I was going to be friendly and smile which is what Americans do best. Well this American is horrible at that. I can fake it in English, but German, uhg. The place had a doorbell with a speaker attached. This surprised me. I imagined all my conversations being face to face. So I took an extra second to ring the door bell. To my relief they just buzzed me in and I didn't have to have a dreaded conversation with the doorbell. I climbed the dark steps up to the second floor, nervous because I wasn't sure were to go. Opened the heavy door and walked in. I wasn't sure how this should go. So told the lady I was here looking for a job as an English tutor. Things went ok there. I was not friendly as planned. In fact I probably looked more like a deer looking into headlights. My voice even quivered a little. She said maybe in January they would have something available.
So off to the second place. The rain picked up. So I pulled out my umbrella. As I walked across town it became especially windy. I was surrounded by several other people with umbrellas and it seemed as if I'm the only one struggling to keep my umbrella facing the right way. Several times my umbrella would go inside out, several times I would stop to fix it look around. Finally I decided it wasn't worth it, it was just making it harder to walk with it catching the wind. So five minutes later I arrived at the second place. I tried to fix my hair and hoped that I didn't look like the wet dog that I felt like. Ring the scary doorbell that may or may not talk back to me. Get buzzed in and wonder up the stairs looking for the right door.
I found the office and the man was on the phone, so I waited in the hall. When he was done he came to greet me and I meekly told him why I was there. It was awful. I felt like I was being laughed at by him. I didn't do a good job of making him believe I would be a good tutor. He asked me if I knew about the German school system. Now that in of it's self is a very complicated question. I've been told about the German school system about a bazillion times and I think I do understand it. (And please don't tell me about it again. It's very boring!) But I wasn't sure what he meant by the question. So I hesitantly said yes. Anyways I felt like the whole time the guy was laughing at me. It was awful! Awful! I feel like I failed. But you know what? I know German. I was able to reply to everything he asked me. I understood everything he asked me. So what is my problem??? If I would have confidently told him that I can teach others English because it's my mother language and as I've learned German I have also learned more about English. I have my bachelors degree and he should definitely hire me. The scared doe eyes didn't do me any favors yesterday. I didn't make it to the third place. I freaked out. I failed. I'm not sure if I can even get a job in Germany. Maybe I need to work on other aspects of my German. Confidence being the big one.
I failed at getting a job yesterday, but the best advice I've ever gotten about learning another language is, you must make mistakes. If I don't make mistakes it's probably because I'm not pushing myself to my limit. So yesterday I failed, I made lots of mistakes, but that's what I'm supposed to do.
So are you guys perfectionists? How do you get past it?
Good job on getting out there to get a job! I can only imagine that it was pretty scary in that environment.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the post. keep them coming.
btw - i fail all the time. It's a learning process.