An Outsider

After living here for almost 3 years a lot has changed. I used to stare at the people around me and look at their clothes. I once saw an American that was wearing something that I thought was just over the top European. Shorts with tights. I said to my husband, "She's been in Europe too long."

If you look at home decor at a store you'll see a lot of orange and red...together. I was thinking of putting a photo of a rug with those color combinations but I couldn't find one that looked strange to me anymore. In fact I was about to write that I will never be able to get used to that color combination, but here I am looking at orange and red rugs and thinking that wouldn't look so bad in my living room.

When I went back to America this summer I know I stood out. It was the end of May. In Germany it was still fairly cool. And in fact it stays relatively cool all summer. So it had been several years since I had had a proper hot summer. So one of my first nights back, my friend mentioned that she was going to a softball game. I asked if I could go with her. What's more American than softball? So I was ready for my american experience. I show up at her house wearing black boots, skinny jeans t-shirt, and a lightweight cardigan. She's wearing a strapless shirt, shorts, and flip flops. We got to the game and guess who was dressed appropriately? Well lets see it was about 85 degrees. So obviously not me. But at the same time I wasn't about to show off my legs that hadn't had a proper tan for two years.

(above) My hot summer day outfit

(below) My friend's outfit

For the past couple years I'd made an effort to dress nicer when I go out. In Germany, my jeans that had "stylish" holes in it were looked at oddly. So I had gotten used to wearing the clothes I used to just wear to church everyday. The whole summer I know I stood out when I'd go to wal-mart or some other casual function, because in 3 short months I couldn't get this mentally out of my head. And to be honest I didn't want to. I feel like an outsider here in Germany and now I even feel like an outsider back in the US. But I'm fairly happy in Germany and I feel like this is my home now. So if I stand out in America it's because I live here now. If I stand out here it's because I'm from America. I'm a confused pale girl now.

As I'm writing this I'm having a hard time remembering what is strange looking anymore. In fact I've even worn tights with shorts. Apparently I've been in Europe for too long.

First Night in Germany

When I first came here in 2005 I thought there was some really weird stuff. Z and I got picked up from the airport. I was so excited. I had waited 6 years for this day. That's a long time to a 22 year old. I had just finished college and was finally able to do what I dreamed of. This was it. We ate dinner then were dropped off at the house of the people we would be staying with for the next month. The high school girl that was with us told us that we would be staying with two older women. So I had this idea of two sweet gray haired older women. When we arrived at the apartment I was shocked to see that the apartment was decorated super modern. The couch was a bright red half circle. They had modern art on the walls.

This weird Pharaoh bust.

This is what old people decorate their houses like in Germany???

I was really jet lagged and tired. I still hadn't met our hosts and was told they wouldn't be home till really late, so we should just go to bed. So we did. We were exhausted. I slept till late into the night and then was wide awake in a very dark room. I had no idea what time it was either. I didn't even know whose house I was even at. That's when I started to cry. This is what jet lag does to you. It sucks. I was suddenly homesick for a place that I was at only 30 hours before. I still remember the fear and loneliness and realizing other than Z everyone that loves me is on the other side of the globe. No one in Europe loves me. This thought paralyzed me. I still think that's a horrible feeling. It didn't take long before I had friends. People I'm still friends with and visit from time to time. But for me that's some of the worst part of culture shock. The intense loneliness and the inablitity to break out of my shell.

After a while Z woke up. He asked me what was wrong and I told him how scared I was. I don't know what happened between the time that I was alone in my thoughts and when Z woke up, but we ended up laughing. The type of laughter that can only be experienced late at night. We laughed hard. We stayed up for another hour talking and laughing. And if our hostesses, which we still had not met heard this, then I'm sure they must have wondered what they had gotten themselves into and who these strange americans were in the other room.

Oh and the little old ladies with the crazy modern style ended up being in their late twenties early thirties. Apparently to the high schooler that was really old.

I'm not complaining, but...

So did you know that in America you don't have to open windows in the winter time to let the moisture out? Oh you did. Well then did you know that in the rest of the world you have to constantly be worried about the humidity in the house and be fearful of mold growing behind your furniture? So we have to wake up in the mornings and open our windows for at least 10 minutes a day or who knows what would happen. I'd probably be deported or something. And if you want to take a shower, who knows how long it would take to get all the moisture out of there if the mirror steamed up.

Rain, snow, heat, doesn't matter! Open the window! This was pure torture to me at first! I spent the first 6 months with my ridiculously bright green coat on. I also wasn't aware that everyone in Germany wore only black or varying shades of gray. But I want to inform you that I've adjusted to all of that. So you can not accuse me of complaining. Well sort of. Like now my favorite colors are black, gray, and white. Instead of just walking around with a coat on, I've learned just wear one tank top, 3 layers of long johns, a hand knitted sweater made by grandma, but please grandma only black thread, then top that off with a scarf and then you hardly miss not having a coat on indoors. Yes it does take about ten minutes to get all the layers on, and yes I can't move my arms as freely as I want to, but it's so nice to be able to shed all those layers when spring gets here look in the mirror and think, man I look good. I look like I lost 10 pounds. This is what I have to look forward to every spring.

But seriously it's just the beginning of October. What am I going to do? Can't wait to be wearing my black down coat that makes me look like a giant burnt marshmallow.

Ok here's a tricky question. Can you find me in this photo? And for a million bonus points where am I?